Patrick Swayze recently made a guest appearance on 'Friday Night With Jonathan Ross' and I missed it. Is this worth fretting over you ask? Well, yes it is. A TV interview with THE Mr Swayze is as scarce as hen's teeth, and boy, this acting enigma must have had something pretty darn important to talk about before he was willing to appear on our screens after all this time. I was so intrigued as to why he was slotted in for a bit of informal chat with renowned lisper Johnathan, that I simply had to find out if a new Swayze movie was on its way. There are so many reasons for being so utterly and unashamedly obsessed with the Swayze (calling him 'the Swayze' is a bit like 'the Pope'. It's not just a name, he is Swayze, he exudes 'Swayzeness', there is a book of Swayze and guess who wrote it?...Halliwell). Here is a couple Swayze features that makes him a man like no other....
Swayze walks like one of his legs is shorter than the other. Now, I know Marilyn Monroe chopped a portion of her heel to accentuate her womanly wiggle, but I'm pretty darn sure this isn't the look the Swayze is going for. He does wear man heels (cowboy boots), so why doesn't he pay a cobbler to balance those legs out? Another Swayze limp theory is that his main priority is to not wiggle the ass, but to draw attention to it by wearing overly tight jeans. In theory, by wearing tourqinuet denims he could be hindering the ability to walk. Perhaps it's the price to pay for advertising that movie star ass. Film legend knows he was offered a cool, six bottles of Coors to flash that ass in 'Roadhouse' (Swayze's tour de force). But, as much as I enjoy speculating about the Swayze's gammy leg, I suspect it is all down to a boringly predictable dancing injury.
The Swayze is revered for his acting ability as we all know, how does he manage to emote raw human emotion across the spectrum? From grief to joy, bewildement to plain ol' hate, the Swayze has cracked this with one look. The Swayze look. Why bother with method acting when one look says it all? Perfecting the demeanour of 15 year old boy caught masturbating by his mother is clearly something Olivier foolishly failed to master. Watching the Swayze attempting to play ghost in the movie of the same title is almost as startling as seeing the real thing. You simply cannot believe your eyes! Astonishing stuff.
Well, the complete fascination I have for an actor so rotten, he's not even fit for a compost heap brings me back to the question why was he on the telly? Well, a bit of rushed Swayze research on the web led me to this: he is is planning a new conservation reality TV series that tracks the globe's endangered animals. Who'd a thunk it. Swayze, I'm sorry. I spend my evenings making trite observations about your gammy leg and the tightness of your jeans when you are speaking out for our non verbal friends. However, don't you go forgetting what you are famous for Swayze. Don't get all Sting like on me! Those endangered animals you are so worried about can't get themselves down to Cash Converters. Can they Swayze? If it wasn't for chumps like me, copies of 'Blackdog' would be slowly rotting away next to old packets of McCain oven chips. Evidence of your entire acting history would be consigned to a landfill sight. Forget about those Pandas for a minute and sign yourself up for another role where you play a man called 'Jack' or 'John' or 'Jake' with an equally catchy and macho surname. If I don't see you make a fool out of yourself very soon I shall feel very cheated. It could be amusing seeing you hobble across the globe in search of the logger head sea turtle but that's no match for the visceral pleasure of seeing you rip out a man's throat. For those who haven't seen 'Roadhouse', seek and you shall know.
