Jeremy Irons' Quote of the Week

"They fuck you and fuck you and fuck you, and just when you think it's over, that's when the real fucking begins!"

(The Game).

I hate Philippa Forester and her puggy face. I don't need some bloated sixth year prefect to tell me to check my blood pressure when she's the one that's raising it. "As a presenter she has an intellectual and charismatic approach, and is an extremely flexible and well informed" Burn that thesis. Intellectualism comes from wearing the Cotton Traders pastel collection in its entirety and being able to say the word prescription. The glib tongued frumpy nuisance would condescend Jean Paul Sartre. She'd dose out the drugs in a Brave New World endorsed by Lloyds pharmacy. Has anyone else thought why we now need supermarket-sized apocatheries?

I don't know why I do this to myself. Techno self-harm perhaps. Looking up shit people on the Internet has become a regular past time, in-between watching 'Street Doctor' and 'From May to December'. Beats charity shop volunteering under the age of sixty-five I guess. I am suspicious of people that are overgenerous with their time - anyone who has ever done battle with the general public over a misplaced price tag will sigh and nod their heads now.

Jeremy Irons' Quote of the Month

"I'm not going to stand here all day and blow sunshine up your ass" (Top Gun)

Barbie's full name is Barbie Millicent Roberts. Finding out she had such a wholesome name pleased me greatly.

There are moments in everyone's life where they feel that it didn't quite turn out as expected, but wretchedness and gloom really does engulf when you find yourself watching 'Street Doctor' on BBC One. I was lucky enough to catch factory worker Jeanie explain that she has had a scabby ear for twenty years and I almost managed to sweat through seven and a half anxious minutes for a cure. What was the super elixir that will rid all? Jeanie was told to stop scratching it. Jeez Louise. I'm so glad that our living rooms beam in the awesome presence of germ free, well-mannered, bonafide GPs skipping across pavements in search of the bit sore. The great British public can now rest knowing there is no fear of keeling over in BHS from a stubbed toe.

Fingers crossed for 'Street Agent' where a Jack Bauer carbon copy rescues you from an attempted terrorist attack. Or at the very least needs to use your phone.